Gilmo Strikes Back
A transcript from the top-secret, don’t tell a soul, don’t even bother to ask, files of John Genius, PHD, PDQ, COD and WTF.
After 40 years and hundreds of billions of dollars, the top-secret Alpha Star Watch Program had finally succeeded in contacting alien life from another galaxy. Turning the sound system up to maximum volume, we breathlessly awaited the first words of a sentient being from beyond planet Earth. The voice that came crackling over the speakers was ominous: “Earthlings, this is Lord Mo from the planet Kurlie. We wish to come in peace, but if you keep beaming us reruns of ‘Honey Boo Boo’ and ‘The Kardashians Do Vegas’ we will be forced to destroy your planet!”
Thinking quickly, I arranged a meeting with Lord Mo. I pleaded: “Lord Mo there is much more to life on earth than the material that you have been receiving”. He replied: “Perhaps so, but you had better show me and quickly, the Master-Blaster-Trasher-Tron is already being armed.”
Fortunately, I had made reservations for Wine 101 at Wine and Song Chicago, taught by Gilmo The Wine Pro. I quickly added Lord Mo as a plus one and disguised him as a Scandinavian tourist, so that his accent would not be noticed. We finished the class and Lord Mo was elated.
With a gleam in all three eyes he said: “There is intelligent life on Earth! I had heard tales of an elegant elixir available only on this planet, but I dismissed these as only the fulsome ramblings of degenerate space derelicts. Now I have tasted this elevated treasure and I must have more. Never in my journeys through 73 worlds in 27 galaxies have I consumed such epicurean excellence. I had also heard that mastery of this wondrous beverage involved tedious and time-consuming rituals, but after this marvelous class I am fully prepared to be an Instant Wine Insider and: ‘Never Fear a Wine List Again’”.
Lord Mo was lost in thought for a moment. Then he looked at his Universal Space Time Wiz Bang Co-Ordinator and said: “Oh silly me, I had such a good time that I almost lost track of my multi-galactic syncretic chronology. Why, in another three Universal Space Time Co-Ordinated Units, it would have beamed me up and your planet would have been turned into a burning shell of space detritus. Well, I’ll put a stop to that! See you at Wine and Song 102.”
And so, The Earth was saved.
