Once Upon a Wine in the East

“Good evening ladies and germs. (rimshot) Ah, look at this crowd, just look at this crowd. It’s great to see you all here tonight, looking so happy and alive. The last time I saw people having such a good time was when they turned off the lights at Milstein’s Brothers Funeral Home and everybody settled down for a good rest. No, seriously folks I’m your genial host, Denny Benny Henny and I want to welcome everyone to Konstantine’s King Kobra Klub, the exclusive showroom of Rutburgers Ritzy Regal Resort and Carwash.”

“Ah, but seriously folks, how can you beat a crowd like this? Maybe with sticks, maybe with shovels, maybe with clubs, but you had better have something pretty substantial. Just kidding folks and now let me introduce that manic, musical maestro Joey, our bandleader (rimshot). Stand up Joey and take a bow. Alright, somebody help Joey stand up, he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard ever since he landed this lousy gig.”

“But seriously folks, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. We’ve got the impeccable vocal stylings of The Three Masked Meshugganahs, straight from doing two record breaking years at Sing Sing. They busted into one too many record stores, got caught and did some record time. Hey, look who’s in the house - a big shout out to their parole officer and booking agent, Fast Eddie Finkelstein. (rimshot) What’s that Eddie?”

“Yeah, the check is good this time, always the kidder that Eddie. Then, we’ve got that great ventriloquist act of Surly Sammy and his even surlier little friend, Even Surlier Little Sammy, and - just debuting tonight - their newest partner in the act, Even Yet More Surly to The Nth Degree, Littlest Sammy. And we’ve got that amazing Mind Reader, The Mystical Madame Labonza, who sees all, knows all and tells all. OK, maybe she tells not quite all, if you should slip her a sawbuck or two on the side.”

“Is this a great crowd or what? I know that you’re out there, I can hear you breathing. Look at that table in the corner, people like that don’t grow on trees, they swing from them, maybe.”

“And look at that front table, nobody has moved in 40 minutes. Maybe they’ve all dropped dead, which might be an improvement (rimshot). Now I know that you people paid good money for the food and the drinks and the entertainment, but if you’re not feeling so good right now, don’t blame me, the show is still coming up, and so maybe is your dinner and drinks (rimshot). Don’t mind me folks, I’ve got a million of them: the check is in the mail, it will be ready on Tuesday and well… ah never mind.”

“And how about that wine with dinner tonight?” (Voice in the back: “It sucked rat spit”.) “Alright, everybody’s a comedian, as if I don’t got enough competition already. What, you’re expecting good wine in a joint like this? Sure, just like Bitsco, my scumbag landlord, is going to finally fix the leaky faucet and give me a break on the rent next month. You want good wine? (rimshot) Alright, enough with the rimshots, already.”

“You want good wine, you don’t need me and you sure don’t need the swill they peddle here. What you need to do big time is to talk to Gilmo the Wine Pro, at Wine and Song Chicago.” (Voice in the back: “Is he up next?”) “No, wise guy, you’re going to be up next - and out next - if I can ever find security in this dump.”

“Gilmo’s out in Chicago - just like Donnie, my useless, deadbeat brother-in-law, which is where you should go to check him out. Gilmo that is, not Donnie, that lousy little termite, him you should only avoid like the plague. But, if on the other hand, you should want some really good wine and really good wine advice, go see Gilmo The Wine Pro. Just remember, he will make you an Instant Wine Insider and you will never have to fear a wine list again.”

“Now the night is young - even if the jokes are old - and it’s time to introduce our featured act tonight, Professor Putzstein and Those Rooftop Wonders, The Putzstein Perfection Performing Pigeons. Just try saying that fast three times.”

“What, Zero the Cat, The House Mouser, just whacked the Performing Pigeons? OK, so clean up the feathers and we’ll get this show on the road anyways. Heressss Joey, our Bandleader, to get things rolling. Take it away Joey! Joey? Joey?? Joey???”